Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
