shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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