It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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