The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
