dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
