she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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