I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
whose parrot is this?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
