Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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