I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
