You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
