so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sorry about my life...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
