when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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