You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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