i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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