that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
