Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize