Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
