she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
