Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
