I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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