i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
