Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
