Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
