Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
