how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I see more hoeing in ur future
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