i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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