I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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