Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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