I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
