just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
