I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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