my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
