My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
