its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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