If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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