Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
