before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
