He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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