grandma shit on top of the toilet
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
