What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
