I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
