My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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