Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
