Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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