I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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