WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
