I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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