So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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