Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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