drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
