I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
