Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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