Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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