yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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