I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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