I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
