Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
