just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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