I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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