Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
