How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
