dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
