I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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