Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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