Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
