i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
