May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
