I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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